Your lips say "no", but your eyes say "yes"

This past weekend, I went to visit Heather. I came bearing Christmas gifts, and one of the gifts was a book called "The Art of Kissing" by Hugh Morris. When I saw it in the store, I had to get it for her cuz I knew it would make her laugh. The book was written in the 1930's, and since it was about 40+ small pages with illustrations we decided to read it out loud. Different topics covered: why people kiss, approved methods of kissing, preparing for the kiss, how to approach a girl, techniques, how to kiss girls with different-sized lips, different kinds of kissing, and many more. The book is geared towards men since they are to be the "aggressors" and it gave a lot of step-by-step information. It was freakin' hilarious and lead to many discussions, giggles, and stories of past experiences. Here are some of my favorite parts of the book:
- "Seat the girl against the arm of the sofa so she cannot edge away from him when he becomes serious in his attentions... (as he make a) gallant attempt to adjust the cushions behind her, he manages to insinuate his arm, first around the back of the sofa and then, gradually, around her shoulder. If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry, and tries to get up from the sofa, don't worry. Hold her, gently but firmly, and allay her fears with kind, reassuring words... However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, and starts to scratch your face then start to worry or start to get yourself out of a bad situation. Such girls are not to be trifled with, or kissed... in most cases, (they) still believe the story of the stork which brings babies because of the consequences of a kiss." Gotta love the "no means yes" method. Guys, if a girl tries to get up from the couch when you are trying to kiss her, I recommend letting her go. It's not a good sign; don't wait for the face scratching. Do you remember the old Disney cartoons with Goofy following the instructions of the narrator, but he keeps screwing it up? The whole time we were reading the book, I was thinking of that.
- "... next step is to flatter her in some way. All women like to be flattered. They like to be told they are beautiful even when the mirror throws the lie back into their ugly face..." Man, that's kinda harsh (but funny). The book goes on to give actual detailed step-by-step instructions, like starting by smelling her hair and whispering sweet nothings into her ear (example, "your hair smells like heady wine"), kissing/nibbling her ear and neck, working your way across the jaw line, then making your way to her lips. Then it went on to list about six or seven different kisses in great detail. Our conversation went something like, "yeah, done that, done that, what the heck?!", "That's ...weird...", "man, my lip was swollen after that", "if a guy did that, I would be like, 'what the heck are you doing?'", "he really thinks that what a girl would think?", and "awwww, that's so sweet". We were rolling the whole time.
-Since the book was written in the 1930's, we were not sure what some of the words meant and other words are used differently today. My favorite example was when he talked about how kissing under the mistletoe was about the only time it is okay to kiss in public. He added, "For then you can seize hold of the girl with impunity and smack her to your heart's content without being socially ostracized for it." I don't think I need to explain why I almost peed in my pants when I read this.
All in all, I give the book two thumbs-up and recommend getting it (it was really cheap); it's somewhat informative, very entertaining, and extremely hilarious.